The Graken Awakes

Legacies

2009-07-24T08:24:00.001+01:00

As I get older I begin to appreciate art more than I ever did. Being, at heart, a hard core scientist/engineer, I have personally always rejected that form of expression. Ok, I have always loved Mozart, Rembrandt, and other favourites, but what about modern classics? Is participating in art our best method of defining a lasting legacy?

When you listen to something beautiful like Dido's Lament, or read a great book like Jane Eyre, you realise what a great impression these works have left even hundreds of years later. But what about modernistas? Will anyone listen to M. Jackson in one hundred years time? Maybe. Cut away the garbage of his life, the underlying artistic premise is good. Not quite Mozart, but if he lived today would he stick around Salzburg writing classical music for the clergy?

We scientists/engineers also have legacies. Brunel, Newton, etc are men to admire. They were absolute geniuses! Unfortunately in today's world we celebrate footballers and artists only. I guess we will have to wait a couple of hundred years to see which modern names make the grade of history.

Dick

2009-05-28T19:50:00.003+01:00

At the weekend I managed to get outside into the strong sunshine (see my sunburnt arms!) and play a round of golf. I hit the ball very well, probably the best ever since I "retired" (so to speak) from golf at age 20. I even holed a couple of birdie putts.

I took up golf aged around 13 as I moved near to a golf course. And also, my parents had just divorced and so playing golf with my Dad was a good way to spend time with him. Of course, in retrospect, it was probably because he wanted to play himself! I played golf constantly until I went to University aged 18 and managed to get down to seven handicap, which isn't bad. At the weekend I think I played to that standard again.

My aim was always the magical five so there is still some work to do (one day, when I join a club again). Five because it is at that level (it might be four) when you can turn professional if you wish. A number of my fellow junior golfers from that period did in fact go on to become professionals, one even managed to play on the European tour for a few years.

Dick (short for Richard) was one of those who would now be, at a guess, a club pro. He was a couple of years younger than me, was a great golfer, and simply oozed sex appeal. He had a very confident almost arrogant "swagger" about him that reflected his golf game: bold and exciting; big hitting and long. I guess I knew him when I was about 15-22yo so when he was around 18/20 and at his best. As you can tell, dear blog, I had a big crush on him although I didn't understand what the feeling meant until years later. I felt a little drunk/intoxicated in his presence, wanting to be near him and listening with intent to his words, wanting to play (golf!) with him but being afraid to ask. Standard stuff. I did in fact manage to spend quite a lot of time with him on the course as he played in foursome club games where I caddied for his playing partner.

Dick, partner and caddies during a match circa 1992

One time in tournament play we were waiting for the green to clear ahead a long way away; the spectators had all moved up to the green; and there was just four of us remaining (Dick, his brother/caddie, the playing partner who was the same age as him, and me as the playing partner's caddie). I can't quite remember the conversation but I can remember Dick lifting up his shirt to show us his (not very) hairy but very nice chest. A delightful moment trapped in my head. Another time we were playing a club scratch (i.e. no handicap shots) matchplay knockout and despite him being better than me I managed to get the match to the last hole before he won of course. I think he shot 74 to my 77. Another time we were horseplaying in the changing rooms and ended up very closely entwined indeed. Another time he stripped to his underwear and went to the shower. My God, I should've joined him (or at least watched!) but I was closeted, a very shy and private person (I still am), and did not realise That Was The Moment. I simply didn't understand myself then.

There were a few other cute lads (thinking in retrospect) in our junior squad but none had the effect on me as did Dick. I did see him again (from afar) a few years later in a pub when I revisited my old town. He looked like he'd taken his father's death badly and had put on a shedload of weight. No matter. I will always remember him lifting up his shirt, or hitting a great shot, or holing a putt and swaggering up to get his ball. Happy days.

New gym

2009-05-27T19:19:00.001+01:00

The last two months have been quite hectic!

I've moved house (well, from house to flat) and changed town. Moving was the usual assembly of blood, sweat and tears. The new (rented) flat is nice; unfurnished, so I've/we've had to buy a few things i.e. spend a small fortune at John Lewis. The commute into Paddington is much faster in the mornings which is great.

One major benefit of this new town is that it has a decent gym! So having joined that my first visit was yesterday. I managed to run for 20m which was very satisfying after a break of two months. We'll just see whether my motivation to run remains after a day at work.

Happily there was an array of cute lads to admire which should encourage me to go! (although, of course, nothing will happen: it's nice to just look at eye candy sometimes, and free too).

Tax and spend

2009-04-24T18:19:00.001+01:00

So that was the budget.

Nobody in the country has any shred of belief that the government know what they are doing. We all know that they are making the situation worse by just pissing away billions... and billions... of our hard earned money. A ridiculous amount of borrowing with a few "tax the rich" schemes to appeal to the faithful. Come on, these aren't really needed as there are people who would vote for a donkey wearing a red rosette! BTW the current constituency boundary map give a generous helping hand to the Labour party anyway.

They have absolutely no underlying philosophy or anything even remotely resembling an idea on what is the right thing to do. Maybe its ok to have a "do good" government/society when the times are good.. well no it isn't actually.. in the good times you should make things "better" rather than blowing it all on pointless vanity schemes and leaking NHS buckets. You need to actually take some difficult decisions.

Its just awful in the UK these days and I just can't wait for the next general election. I'm just wondering what David Cameron would actually have to do not to get elected? Declare war on France? (no, actually that would probably be popular). I mean, seriously.

No gym

2009-04-03T17:54:00.000+01:00

Today is the last day of having a nice free gym at work. Sadly, in these interesting financial times they have decided to charge. It's not a bad rate actually, but I won't be paying as I'd rather pay for gym at home. So, no more afternoon gym sessions to interrupt my day.

I've done quite well in this gym. I have finally overcome my hatred of running. I have managed a personal best of 35 minutes on the treadmill; I have done 20m several times including in this last week despite not having run much recently; I can do 10m without much problem. Ok, you might not think that that is much to write about but for me it's really good. I have always had thin, unpowerful, legs and my shins used to hurt a lot everytime I ran for more than a minute or two. This time however I've managed to get over my fear by simply running through the (mostly psychological) pain. It seems to have worked! I did (potentially) have 'shin splints' six months ago - when I finished my 20m run I got off the treadmill and could hardly walk! - but after a month of reverting back to the cross trainer I was fine again.

I guess one reason this gym has worked where other, better, gyms have failed in the past is because it is a gym only. There is no pool or spa or steam room etc. So, it means that I can't give up after 10m in the gym and go swim some easy lengths or sit and relax. There is a sauna in the changing room which is nice. Nobody really goes in there and so I've used it to overcome something else I dislike: sauna heat. In the past I would last a minute or two before having to leave, but now I can last as long as I like. Because I'm controlling the temperature (well, the water) I feel in control and so it's fine.

Of course, another reason for going to the gym is the general nakedness that makes for a pleasant break from work! It's a work gym so absolutely no naughtiness as described in other blogs. But, I think that's a good thing to be honest. My last session there was yesterday and it was fitting that a cute blond guy was there going for a run with a colleague. I will miss this avenue of eye candy and my hour away from the desk.

Pill

2009-04-03T08:48:00.001+01:00

- Compulsive thieves may be 'cured' by taking pill

A headline in today's paper. Er, I thought that would have been rather obvious??

Walking backwards

2009-04-03T08:41:00.000+01:00

I don't know how but it seems that I've just simply forgotten how to walk fast. When I walk these days everybody just seems to go hurtling past.

The other day I was semi running to catch the train in the morning and on my way I passed a woman who was also walking to the train. I slowed down to normal pace when I realised that I was fine for the train. Next thing I know she's getting on the train ahead of me. I mean, just how did that happen? A trick of the light?

When did I become this old man in everybody's way? That I don't live in London anymore is maybe part of it - when you live in London you do a lot of walking (tube station to pub, pub to tube station, etc). If I carry on like this it won't be long before I start listening to radio two and buying garden furniture.

Dress down

2009-04-01T19:11:00.001+01:00

It was the day of the G20 hecklers today here in London.

So, as consequence, most people at work used the relaxed dress codes to come into work in jeans and tees, etc. Except I, of course, because I hadn't seen the company policy. It seems everywhere had the same meaning that Canary Wharf was awash with denim. I dashed through the main stations trying not to look like a cityboy (I don't) and am still in one piece (despite the obsession the BBC has with showing the mob in realtime on the TV news).

It was nice to see work people in jeans as they are so much sexier than suit trousers and similar. Indeed, a few people on my floor looked quite fetching. It is one oh the benefits benefit of working in IT particularly for a big company like a bank: all men no women; some are even nice looking. I have a few favourites on my floor. My favourite eye candy (very cute, Oxford educated, mid twenties, half Indian lad) was himself in a smart shirt and I also didn't get to see whether he was wearing jeans or not. Perhaps not having casual clothes at work is a good thing because they can be, er, somewhat distracting. Another bite at the cherry tomorrow.

I really don't know what the protest are protesting about. Money? I agree that money is a silly way to run a planet and needs to be abolished (see my earlier rant on the subject). However, rampaging on the streets on London when leaders are trying to sort out the economy is strange. Nobody knows what they are protesting about - even the protesters themselves - it's just a good excuse for these people to get out and about rather than staying at home filling in job applications, etc. Or doing A-level homework.

Jubilee woe

2009-03-23T09:26:00.001Z

Another signal failure at Canary Wharf. So that means no Jubilee line. Bank station, as a consequence, is closed because of 'overcrowding' with everyone trying to get on the DLR.

This happened last week as well. Why can't they check the signals before the Monday morning rushhour? I guess the signals themselves were probably constructed in Britain.

So, I'm taking my reliable alternative 'East End' route: Hammersmith line to Mile End and the 277 bus down to Canary Wharf.

Bored with facebook

2009-03-16T08:09:00.001Z

It's boring. Ok, so I'm linked to on there by a few people I haven't seen in a while and so it is nice to see their profile and reminisce about the past. But there's nothing else on it that interests me.

Lately my profile just consists of lots of status updates. So, I might as well switch to using Twitter.

The lack of blog entries

2009-03-12T08:57:00.001Z

recently is because I've been reading on the train instead. What have I been reading?

Well, I managed five minutes of a c++ book before I got bored with it (50 quid too!). I just cannot read anything work related on the train at all!

Chess books however - I love. "Simple Chess" by Stean is my favourite. Books like this are like chewing gum for the brain. But whether I'll learn anything.. well... when the clock's ticking I forget all my lovely positional theory and play tactical rubbish just like everyone else. And when I get home "Crafty" tells me just what I missed in excruciating detail. (It's a strong free chess engine for your computer). The git.

Six

2009-03-12T08:44:00.001Z

One, two, three, four, five, six!

I count this to myself what seems like a million times a day.

123456!

It relates you are to the number of things I have in my pocket that I care about. Phone, keys, wallet, train season ticket, work security card, glasses. So I'm always counting 1-6 while simultaneously rummaging through my pockets, touching everything in the set-of-six while I confirm that it's still there.

1234!

Except in the evenings when it's 1-4 without the work stuff.

One, two, three, four, five, rummage rummage six!

I must look like a lunatic. (No wait... I am a lunatic...)

I'd like an RBS pension

2009-02-27T08:34:00.001Z

Wow.

If you work for RBS, do a terrible job etc, you get to retire at 50 on a 690k ish per annum pension.

Long have I ranted at the ridiculous wages of footballers - 100k a week for doing practically nothing - but I thought that business leaders were due high compensation. After all, these are the people leading our country.

However RBS losses are catastrophic! They have lost many times more than Nick Leeson ever did. Why is nobody being prosecuted?

What is the point of anything?

2009-02-20T15:09:00.000Z

We're born. We pay taxes. We die.

A commonly known maxim that illustrates the fundamentals of tax! However, another interpretation is that in our lives we achieve nothing *other* than pay taxes. How those taxes are spent on art/culture is our *only* contribution to a defining legacy. I guess science/industry fits into this legacy space as well, but less so.

The great artists (Mozart, Handel, Beethoven, Brahms, Rembrandt, Cezanne, Monet etc), polymaths (Newton, Da Vinci etc) live on through their contributions. But who in modern times? And what speaks of us ordinary folk? A banker? A dentist? A hairdresser? These are just transactional situations with the outcomes soon lost and long forgotten. Thus, unless we are participating in the advancement of our society - in culture, art, science - there is just no point in our existence at all. Is there?

As a gay man this loss is more pronounced. We have no chance of producing offspring who, with better education and our guidance, might themselves participate. At the end of time every family line will contribute towards the final humanity. Except those leaves cast off from the main branch, i.e. we few. So remains the question "if one exists as a transactional being is there any point?".

Hairchop

2009-02-18T22:03:00.001Z

My hair was getting quite long and messy again so demanded attention. I must have spent half an hour googling etc at the weekend for a decent looking hairdresser near home, but failed. The only hairdresser in my town that I've been to before is one that I refuse to go to again. The old man's fingers stank of tobacco. Since the (brilliant) smoking ban you see them all standing outside puffing. Attractive way of pulling in custom! So that's a no then. I should've just walked up town and gone anywhere (but there) because frankly the computer can't cut my hair.

So, I had it cut at Canary Wharf during lunchtime yesterday. I dislike the hairdressers at CW because they are pretty expensive for average results. My fears this time were realised when the hairdresser girl that I ended up with kept asking me how long/short I want it, do I want this, do I want that, etc. I don't know! You're the expert. Being a man I generally just want them to get on with it after an initial 'what do you want' type chat!

I was warned she was inexperienced when I booked it. Inexperienced? Ok. But I didn't expect to sit there for 20m and watch this woman hack my hair and pay the standard rate. I always seem to get muppets cutting my hair. I could book a cut in Nicky Clarke's salon:

- Nicky's just popped out for a quick fag. This old bag woman's kindly agreed to cut your hair in his place. It'll be £150.

So hair now chopped. It's not what I wanted but better than before. It'll only grow back anyway and I'll have to do the whole charade again. Bugger. Family sometimes tease that I'm thinning out a little. I guess that there's a hidden bonus there in that eventually I won't have to endure another stupid hairchop.

The big event tonight

2009-02-13T19:01:00.000Z

Yes! It's today! No, not that it's Friday the 13th (again) but rather today we hit the rather magical:

1234567890 in Unix time

It happens about 23.30 this evening here so I will toast it with a wee dram.

http://www.coolepochcountdown.com/ has a countdown and other websites list parties/events happening across the globe to celebrate this momentous event.

No I'm not a geek.

People on the tube #3

2009-02-13T18:51:00.001Z

The different types of people that you get on different tube lines is quite noticeable. In the morning, the train that pulls out of London Bridge heading for Canary Wharf is full of people like me: semi smartish types who work for big city firms. Before London Bridge it's more varied. Those who get off at Bond street/Green park look like retailers, service/hairdresser types or people that are going shopping! Those at Tottenham Court Road look like dodgy types that work in Soho! Or semi-wannabe artistic types. Travelling through London on the tube you get to see a mix.

However, I tend to know and socialise with only a few types of people: computer people and doctors. I don't know any lawyers for example, or people who work in the media, or artists, and I guess that people in those industries probably don't know any computer people (real systems engineering not pcworld!) or doctors in return. It's funny that we are all stuck like that with similar peers. In one pub there's a gaggle of dentists, in another a stack overflow of programmers, and in another a litigation of solicitors, but never shall they mix. Except in a nightclub when you'll snog anybody cute.

People on the tube #2

2009-02-13T18:22:00.000Z

I often think to myself when sitting on the tube

- What do these people do?

I'm just curious. At a single moment in time here we are all standing in proximity, going in the same direction, but never shall our paths cross again. Until tomorrow. Just who are you?

A reoccurring daydream of mine is that we live in a society where everyone has to wear a shirt with their profession on it. I guess the closest you get to this is in wartime, where everybody is working for the forces, and you can tell what people are/do by their uniform and pips.

There have been a few films that explore this theme (of random people coming together in an event), like the excellent 'Crash'. However, you only ever really see a snapshot of lives thrown together like that when some tragedy strikes. Like, reading about the lives of the victims of the London tube murders.

As an aside - note that I believe that it's not just a "bombing". It's not war. It didn't happen by itself. I get very annoyed when we hear about killings or bombings in the media when in fact they are "murders". The London tube "bombers" should be referred to as murderers because that's what they are. I don't care about their mumbo jumbo thoughts that led them to do it, it's still murder.

I wish there were pictures of normal, interesting people in the paper, who aren't dead or are some brain-dead "celebrity". (Especially if they were nice looking lads!).

The axe swings tomorrow

2009-02-10T19:05:00.000Z

Rumour has it that the axe swings tomorrow in IT. Traders and operations were today (I'm not that tuned in to the gossip so not that sure).

Oh dear.

Why did I come to work for a big bank? Sometimes I wonder whether it's worth it at all, and I should either: (a) become a consultant/contractor. I could increase my wage but at the cost of potentially less interesting work and weaker working conditions; (b) leave the financial sector entirely and go back to good old IT. I will wait it out and see what happens, but even if I'm retained I'm just not enjoying this as much as I should be.

Seven year face

2009-02-09T19:32:00.000Z

An old friend of mine (long lost, except on facebook) used to believe that you have a 'seven year face'. The idea is that you look pretty much the same for seven years, then change face for the next seven years, and so on, throughout your life.

I spoke to him on facebook the other day and so was reminded of this theory. It's been a long time since we were good friends so he should've changed face by now, but he still looked like his old self on his picture, the lucky fellow (perhaps it was an old pic, like you do. The internet does have this endearing quality of letting people live in the past!).

I looked pretty much the same from 20--27 and also from 27-today. Is it time for a change of face again? I'm not looking forward to that. I better get down the gym although I know it won't help! I'll keep my old (ish, a year and a half old) picture on facebook and pretend it's not happening.

Why I have no gay friends

2009-02-09T08:34:00.001Z

I'm a normal thirty something gay guy. Except, I don't have any gay friends.

Ok, so I've been in a relationship for some time so I don't get out-and-about like I used to. I'm also a very private person and so I don't make friendships easily. I also try not to mix work and personal life, so much so that the people at work know very little about me indeed. I guess that's some sort of protective mechanism. I did join the "gay" network at work, but I haven't been to any of their meetings. In fact, I haven't seen an email from them for a while so I guess they're probably routed to the trash folder. Ho hum.

But this is problematic. Quite a few people linked to me on facebook are either ex work colleagues (mostly don't "know" but probably worked it out. I was more congenial before I came to work at the bank!) or friends from a long lost past. So, just how do you make new friends? And especially, how you make new friends with your partner? Or even, how do you make new gay friends? When I don't form (personal) friendships at work. Perhaps I should give the group at work another try. But, I don't really have the time and I'm not really into networking for networking's sake.

OH and I are not completely without gay friends. This month we are due Up North to attend a lesbian engagement party. (Don't ask). And we've known another couple ever since we've been going out. But, all these people are linked to the OH in some way (friends before we met. Went to university together, etc). Although I get on with them well, they're not really "my" friends.

My best friend is my OH. Without him I'd be somewhat alone.

Some snow

2009-02-02T15:38:00.001Z

We've had a little snow here in the South East of England. And of course this puts the transport system into chaos!

I arrived by train at Paddington at around 835. The train was only 10m late in the end which I think is a pretty decent effort considering.

The tube on the other hand is a different story. Ok, so some of the lines go outside for a bit so could have some troubles. But the Jubilee line had problems (as ever) due to lack of drivers in Stratford. Er, excuse me? That's just crap.

When I get to Waterloo there's no service. So, I make my way to London Bridge via Kennington just like everyone else who works at CW. But, there is practically only one train shuttling between LB and Stratford. With 17m until the next one and 5 million people in the queue in front of me, I did the only thing left to do. I took a riverbus. In the end I arrived at CW at 1015. A new record.

The snow is quite deep. It is February after all!

Your ticket told me

2009-01-28T21:29:00.001Z

I have a paper season ticket - rail plus a travelcard. The underground and the London terminals have barriers that require you to put your ticket through a machine or flash your Oyster card (an electronic ticketcard. By the way, if ever you're coming to London you should yet to get one of these somehow).

The problem is that my expensive monthly ticket loses it's ability to go through the barriers after a day or two. I guess it's because I put the ticket near my blackberry which has some inherent magnetism. I've tried, manually, to prevent myself from doing this, but I always seem to screw up! It's hard enough just ensuring that you have your ticket, phone etc on the way to work!, without having to organise yourself so that they are separated as well.

So, I am forced to wave my ticket in the face of tube staff for them to open the barrier and let me through. I am totally sick of doing this. Ok, it must be a rubbish job and these people are bored out of their minds (you should've gone to University! Oh, you did? You should have a better class degree. Oh, you have? Well you shouldn't have done media studies then), but there is just no need to be rude. 99% of staff who do this task are quick and quiet (i.e. Perfect) but as I have to do this 6 times per day/approx 120 times pcm I do occasionally bump into cretinious staff.

- "It doesn't work"? Your ticket told me!

was sneered at me this morning in Paddington (yes, I've changed from Waterloo). I mean, I don't want to have to strike up a "Hi. The ticket doesn't work, so can you let me through the barrier please?" style mini conversation all the time. I just want you to open the fucking barrier! Without talking to me. Thanks.

It is a fundamental design flaw of the tube's ticketing system: No barriers can be left closed and unmanned. So, the tube gets to employ loads of otherwise unemployable people. Go anywhere else, and somehow they don't seem to have these ticket problems. The Metro etc are generally all unmanned. This has consequences for ticket prices too: A zone-one single ticket these days is ludicrously expensive. Who designed this crap?

Relationship styles

2009-01-27T19:59:00.001Z

I have been thinking about a defining list of relationship types and have come up with the following 9: (if anyone knows a 10th please let me know. It would be nice to have a proper number but I just cannot think of another one)

Long term (5y+)
Short term (0-5y)
Serious mistake (0-5y)
Friendly mistake (0-5y)
Short fling (0-3m)
Holiday romance (0-4w)
N night stand (Nd)
One night stand (1d)
Brief encounter (0-1d)

Long and short term are the main types and I have decided that the time required to be long term is (the arbitrary, picked by me) five years.

The list, I think, can be used to classify either current or past relations. A current relationship would usually be one of short/long term. The remaining types would describe those relations that can normally only be classified with hindsight. Although I was thinking about gay relationships, I guess this set could apply to straight relationships also.

So, the question remains. How have I done? My current tally is [1 0 0 1 1 0 0 ? ?].

My first bf, as it turns out, was just a "short fling" that just fizzled out. We both moved on quite quickly. I then made a "friendly mistake". This is when you mistakenly go out with someone who was a friend and should've remained as such (but these things happen!). We split and sadly are friends no longer. Then I ventured into the current "long term". Sorry, but I can't remember the numbers for the last two types... and I'm going to have fun trying to remember..

Moaning Michael

2009-01-26T22:56:00.000Z

A certain British tennis player lost today down in Melbourne. I would guess that most people in England are quite happy about that. You see, although we crave a British winner, we would rather it was a newly-British Polish person, or ex Canadian, or anything, rather than another bloody Scotsman.

I like watching Mr Murray play. I like his style and it is exciting to watch. I'm not *that* against his inherent Scottishness, unlike some other people whom I've talked to about this subject. However, it would be easier to like and support him if he were, say, American, German, Zimbabwean, or perhaps Australian, or even French!

With our previous top tennis player, a certain Mr Henman, you always secretly knew he would never win a major. However, with moaning Mr Murray (actually, I guess that's a little unfair today as he didn't actually moan about losing. He said he had no excuses) you feel that he might actually do it. He already looks much stronger than Henman ever did.

I do love Scotland. Glasgow (not Edinburgh) is a great city and I love the highlands (and Scotch!). In fact, I'm looking forward to going there again on holiday this summer. I even support the idea of Scottish independence (that I also want, in order to have an independent England).

But the Prime Minister's a Scot, so is the chancellor, so are half of the cabinet, Scottish MPs can vote on matters affecting English constituents but not vice versa (a quite ridiculous inequality maintained by our current government. Plus the current government is only in power due to it's Scottish voting block in Westminster). The British government spends far more per capita on Scottish people than on the other members of the Union. (and still they think themselves hard done by). It's just all a bit one sided.

There's probably no God

2009-01-25T10:19:00.001Z

Adverts at the moment - here in the UK, on the tube/busses - placed by the humanist society are proclaiming

- There is probably no God. Now stop worrying and get on with your life

I think this is a fairly simple message from a section of society who are largely overlooked - non religious people. I would count myself in this category. On facebook I list my religion as 'live and let live'.

I guess, I've never really called myself an 'atheist' because that in itself is a religion that requires argument/debate etc. I cannot even be bothered with that. If you people want to believe some hocus pocus with no evidence, then that's fine with me, as long as you don't interrupt my life. But I don't want to argue with you because you cannot argue sensibly with a religious person!

Like the bus driver who won't drive the bus with the advert of the side because it offends his religious sensibilities. You just can't argue with that moronism. Excuse me Mr bus driver but why should I have to listen to your whinging? You and your like have too much influence on our society as it is. As a non religious person, I don't want my bus driven by a religious person/nutcase thankyou very much. Because, for example, they believe in Heaven so at any point the might decide to test that theory and drive the bus over a cliff in order to arrive there. With me in it!

A lot of the worlds evils can be placed at the door at the men of the cloth. The news is dominated by Mr A and Mr B knocking the crap out of each other because of some religious ideal (e.g. the different parts of Islam in Iraq, the different parts of Christianity Ireland, and also inter religious bouts too!). But, also, a lot of the worlds civilisation and culture is derived from these people also (e.g. Handel's Messiah and most great classical works). So it's a double edged sword.

The fundamental ideals of the religions are quite sound. It's just the tribalism that comes as a spin off that is so destructive.

Apparently the UK is 70% Christian, according to the census. Actually, I think the UK is probably the least religious place in the world. Most people would only declare an interest in being Christian so that they can get married in a nice Church. Indeed, most people only ever go to Church for weddings. Or at Xmas for the carols.

The real religions of the UK are football, rugby or cricket! Depending on your preference. And class. I'm a cricket fan. Hoping to go to the Ashes but have almost no hope of a ticket. I did manage to go to one day of the last Ashes down under! I was just stopping in Sydney on the way home (from NZ) and shock horror the test was on at the same time, so I had to go, etc.

Goodbye to the Astoria

2009-01-19T10:58:00.003Z

Last weekend the Astoria in London closed down forever. The building is to be demolished to make way for a revamped tube station plus crossrail station. This is good news as central London (Soho and Oxford St) needs this badly.

I've had many good times in this club, in G.A.Y., although I haven't been for some years now (at least five on a rough estimate). It was a huge place, quite dark and dingy, but with many places to go, including the upstairs seating area. Everybody who wanted/wants to sell records to the gay community plays here. I've seen Boyzone here. The only thing I can remember about that (as I'm not a fan) was the door staff asking straight looking women to snog each other at the door (to get in the gay venue).

I've enjoyed a few nights of singleton here! I once met a gorgeous Essex boy who was studying at Westminster University. Annoyingly, I've forgotten his name*. I have a thing for Essex boys with an accent and he was absolutely top dollar! Also, the Astoria was one of the first places I went out with and got to know my current OH :-)

Goodbye then "The Astoria" and thanks for the fun. You won't be forgotten!

* Paul. I've now remembered after some daydreaming at work :-)

Heathrow

2009-01-14T19:39:00.001Z

I live nearish to London Heathrow. And so am under the flightpath. It's my choice and I could move somewhere else if I wanted. After a while you don't notice the noise at all. Except, on a summer day when you to have the patio door open while you listen to some piano music or watch the television (not possible because of the noise).

However, I've lived in London for many years and it seems that you're always under the flightpath! I have been to no other city in the world with an airport so poorly placed. That inadvertently affects so many people. Heathrow has such wanton disregard for the citizens of the city it serves. Yes, Heathrow serves London not the other way around!

It is up for debate whether Heathrow should have a third runway built and so increase it's throughput from about 450k flights per annum to 700k. In my opinion, having another runway and increasing the number of flights over London is *lunacy*. It is in the interests of the airlines, the airport itself, maybe even incoming passengers, but it so very very not in the interests on people who actually live in and around London.

We live here. We demand quality of life. Ok, so planes are getting better and I'm happy about that, but flights coming in at 5.30am doesn't constitute a fair noise policy. And pollution isn't just a word or a number that should be reduced on paper. It is real pollution, happening over our heads, raining down on us, every single day.

There is one strong argument in favour of the development: it benefits London and UK economy to the of 5b per year. Ok, fair enough. But there is no reason why it must be Heathrow and not, say, Stansted. Why do we need Heathrow to carry cargo? or transit passengers? or domestic flights? It just doesn't stack up at all. The margin that would be provided by a new runway is utterly minimal.

It is clear to me that Stansted and Gatwick should be expanded. In particular, with USA bound flights now we have the open skies agreement. The throughout of Heathrow should be reduced, and over time it can become a premier airport for only very few critical flights that actually need to land there (actually, I can't think of any other than heads of state).

I must say that I can't stand British Airways. They are one of the (or, are "the") worst airlines going. They are only attempting to push this through now, in difficult economic times, because the economic argument will be heard louder. And we have a weak government determined to lay down a few hurdles for the next government (not them). Like billions down the drain on a stupid VAT reduction.

Heathrow should become a smaller airport. It exists in a very cramped space, but it is in an amazing prime location. That land could be sold and the profit used to build a super duper new airport somewhere else. A bit like Bangkok. Or Shanghai. Or Hong Kong. Or a dozen other locations that made a decision to do something new and bold and ready for the future.

Heathrow is a rubbish airport. It is so small and cramped, it is not designed - rather it is the result of many mini expansions over the years. The terminals have got better in recent years, but that only demonstrates how appalling they were five years ago plus. We need an airport for the future. Heathrow isn't fit for that purpose.

The so called good transport links are not that great. It's on the tube, but then, so is Amersham. It doesn't make it close to central london because it isn't.

The Heathrow express is the most overpriced train service in the world. And its not that good a service either. The last time I used it, because I was in a rush, it took 45m rather than the advertised 15m. Cheers for that. The blackcabs are only at the airport to rip off tourists. Normally, when you visit a city, you get a line of licenced minicabs (a Mercedes) that charge a decent fare. However, at Heathrow you have to pay blackcab fares. And blackcabs are not that great anyway. Note to anyone visiting London: you're better off going by tube.

If Gordon Brown gives the goahead, we should rename it Gordon Brown airport (code GBA or DUD). And I will dance on his grave.

14 years ago

2009-01-09T19:02:00.000Z

I came out to myself in spring 95 when I was 21. It was a very liberating experience.

I was living away from home in a strange place called Berkshire, where I was doing an internship for a large software company. Being away from my University chums was a big plus, because it allowed me to experiment in being me and so rediscover my personality. The previous summer I had gone out with a girl for a few months (I was bundled into it) and had found that it wasn't right for me. There was just something missing, like I was in a play, reading the lines and doing what was in the script, rather than living my life, doing what I wanted to do, and being happy. At that time I didn't know what was missing. I didn't say the word gay because I didn't really understand it. I hadn't even met a gay person.

Having returned to University I did nothing about it. I was quite content to get into the groove of getting good marks, being a slightly quirky stalwart down the pub, enjoying Uni etc. This was ruined somewhat in winter 95/96 when our student home was burgled. I lost a lot of stuff, but what it made me realise more than ever was how alone I was. My best friend at the time (who lived in the same house) had his girlfriend to turn to for emotional support, whereas I was alone.

"Just who am I?", "Why do I feel lonely?". I know now that this angst is just typical when coming out. I don't know what made me use the g word, but it did just finally dawn on me. I told my friends, they were supportive, but I still hadn't met anyone else who was gay. I did the usual challenges, like buying a copy of the Gay Times (wow, in a public shop), and allowing the information to disseminate. So, you get to a point where people know but you haven't told them yourself! That was strange. One day I knew exactly who knew, but the next day it was out if my hands and there was just no controlling it.

These days I have almost forgotten what it is like to tell people I'm gay. Everybody knows. Except at work. Although, to be honest, it is fairly obvious (in 30s but not married, live with someone but don't talk about a girlfriend) and I work with clever people who should be able to put two and two together. I've had to tell a few people directly in the last few years. Because, say we were going to the pub and my boyfriend would be there, and I wasn't sure whether they knew or not. But, it's not something I do or need to do much. However, when you come out, telling people is one of the first big gay tasks that you have to tackle.

It wasn't much later that I told my family. Like most people, I didn't relish the task or enjoy doing it, but it was a necessary step. It was and is very nice that my family finally knew something about me. It would have been easy to withdraw, move far away, and see them infrequently. My advice to anyone coming out would be to tell the family as soon as you can face it, because it gets it out of the way.

The first gay bar I ever went to was actually in London. To cut a long story short, I drove a student friend of mine to London and afterwards we met a gay friend of hers. He wanted to go to the pub, and so dragged us both into CXR79! That was some experience for a young gay never-met-a-gay-man or been-to-a-gay-bar lad like myself. I felt really awkward. What the punters must've thought, who knows! But knowing CXR79 now...

I did eventually make some gay friends through the University society and get to the infamous venues of the city. I found a friend online too, in the early days of the internet (95/96), on the techie BBS Mono. Although he lived hundreds of miles away, it was great to have someone to listen to me and to hang out with online. I eventually met this guy a few years later when I moved to his home city for six months and we're linked today on facebook. He's a great guy (although he drives waaay to fast). My original coming out, written at the time, is probably still available in the Mono archives.

The chase

2009-01-08T08:57:00.001Z

Unlike some bloggers with an almost insatiable appetite for fun, I'm not that interested in sex. I like the chase very much, but when the object of that chase is caught it's all a bit of anti-climax. I love looking at cute guys and imagining them naked, or seeing naked cute guys and imagining them with their clothes on (yes, I do that, strange huh?), but that doesn't particularly make me want to do anything other than get a little closer.

Or maybe it just been so long since I was on the market it's a conditioned feeling. Like, not even looking at the desert menu when out for dinner.

I look back now to when I was younger, and I wasn't much good as a single gay man. I didn't have much fun at all. When I did manage to get some cute chap home, I didn't really know how to continue other than ply us both with booze and hope for the best. With the advent of the internet there is now a lot of "educational" material available for perusal, and also websites that offer easy opportunities to meet guys, and the whole thing just seems a lot easier today. Especially when living in a big anonymous city like London (actually, I guess I can't confirm this as I haven't been on the pull for years).

In the mid to late nineties, living in an English city (not London), it was difficult to meet anyone. Except in a nightclub - not the best place to strike up a conversation or find a life partner. But as you know I succeeded (more on this later).

Reasons why this country sucks

2009-01-08T08:49:00.000Z

December. A packed CW shopping cent a few days before Mas. I duck into HMV out of the throngs of people, however, a small man wrapped up like a Michelin man in scarves (obviously jobless, useless etc) and with thick glasses on takes offence. He's pushing a wheelchair and seems to think that I've cut him up/walking in front of him/whatever (I didn't). "don't do it" he warns as I dive into the store, he stops "what are you doing", "come outside again and I'll have yer", etc. He's standing on the spot (I'm in the store, now looking back) ranting and raving, pointing at the wheelchair. I just turn away, a little shocked, into the store.

Why should I put up with this? Why do I pay tax to keep some dependent like this in booze and fags? And they're not even grateful.

January. It's freezing outside and I'm on a commuter train heading into London. I sit down. A young man (didn't see his face) leans across me, puts his crotch practically in my face, while he opens the window. The train is moving quite quickly so a freezing jet of air begins to come into the carriage. Whatever happened to the "Excuse me, do you mind if I open the window?" at the very least. Nobody says anything. I let it lie. I mean, I don't want to get stabbed. The young smartly dressed lady next to me, however, can stand it only 5m before she snaps and shuts the window, with its freezing air basically going directly into her and my faces. Thank you, I think. But, straight away the jeans are propelled into my face and the window is reopened. The girl boldly states "it's messing with my hair" to which the "it's hot in here, it's hot in here, innit" reply is used as an almost menacing trump. Excuse me? You're hot? You need to get to the hospital mate as it's freezing. And so we have to suffer because noone wants to challenge. The girl concedes and mutters to herself about arseholes for the next twenty minutes.

Why do we let a minority of rude, brainless people intimidate the rest of us? With an attitude like that I'd guess that this is yet another person dependent on my tax. Why do I pay tax? Why do the government let these people exist at all? At least, round them all up and ship them away from us normal people. It's a pity we can't send people to Australia anymore. Can we use Greenland instead?.

A new year

2009-01-02T08:35:00.002Z

Happy New Year!

Yes, it's 2009. And it's started with a bit of bang in the middle east. But I guess that's traditional as it seems to happen every year/all the time anyway.

My new years resolutions:

No chocolate. I would say no chocolate all year, but I had a Twix bar yesterday as a sort of farewell. Actually, I don't each much chocolate anyway except when it's bought for you at Xmas (including this Twix) you feel obliged to scoff it ("thanks very much") in a gee-this-is-a-treat kind of way. So, no chocolate for me this year. Joining crisps and biscuits from previous years.
Improve my running. I've just never been a very good runner, but this year I want to make more effort to be able to run further. I did quite well in 2008, going to the gym and I can now run 10m without difficulty. I have run 25m that was my best so far. I'd like to be able to run long enough so I can go for a run outside.
Lose some weight. I'd like to feel young and sexy once more. Tough ask I know but..
Continue blogging. Moving onto more personal musings since now I've got the hang of it.

Some things I'd like to do in the coming year that aren't resolutions

Go to a non-classical concert. I'd quite like to go to the O2.
Go clubbing. I haven't been clubbing for years and I'd quite like to go again.

2008

2008-12-31T08:57:00.001Z

So that's farewell and toodlepip to another year. 2008 was not a particularly great vintage. Here are some of my reflections on the year gone.

High/lowlights news and sports of the year (mostly lows):

* The "credit crunch" is now more than just a bank thing. Plus they let Lehman go bust only to regret it a week later. Oops.
* A new American president was elected. And it's not Hillary.
* A man in Austria kept his daughter plus offspring locked in a cellar for 20+ years.
* The UK government seems intent on ruining the economy for decades.
* The Beijing Olympics went smoothly. Even team GB won some medals! (more than Australia, ha ha).
* The England cricket team are more useless than ever. Even with a new (non English) captain! If only Sir Chris Hoy could play cricket.
* Here in the UK we should rename summer to 'The Wet Season'. After last year's drenching, I was hopeful for some good weather i.e. normal, however 2008 turned into the wettest, shortest, most useless summer than I can ever remember!

My comments on the best of the year's culture:

* Best film of the year: There Will Be Blood. Terrific form from Mr Day-Lewis.
* Worst film: Quantum of Solace. What absolute tripe.
* DVD: House 4. Love Mr Laurie as the manic physician.
* Book: hurrah, a new Culture book, Matter by Iain Banks. Not the best in the series but still brilliant. I also really enjoyed the entertaining The Business by Iain Banks.
* Book (non fiction): The Seven Deadly Sins of Chess. Thoughtful precis.
* CD: Handel's Messiah by the Academy of Ancient Music. Really vivacious.
* Ipod music: I discovered 'Vladimir Horowitz in Moscow'. Quite wonderful.
* Album: Hand Built By Robots by Newton Faulkner. Mellow. Bought at random and it's surprisingly good.
* Radio station: BBC Radio 3. No contest. Especially when streaming it to my desk at work!
* Event: Tosca at the ROH. Superb as usual.

On a personal note. Things are much the same for me today as they were a year ago. I haven't moved house, boyfriend or job (for a change). I have started a blog though!

Graken

The Clergy

2008-12-28T10:39:00.000Z

It's not often that I agree with clergy. Lost, as they often are, in their own little spiritual world, living in palaces and throwing stones at glass houses. However, I have thought for a long time that they can show leadership and so play an important part in shaping our society for the better.

I don't particularly believe in 'organised' religion (as Dougal would say) but I also don't agree much with the work of Dawkins (I tried to read his book, was bored to tears after a couple of chapters so gave up). Religious people are on the main a decent bunch, just a bit over shadowed by the zealots.

So, I am happy to see them finally beginning to speak up against our utterly useless and moral-less UK government. Excerpt from BBC below. I agree exactly with what is being said here.

-- The Rt Rev Stephen Lowe, the Church's Bishop for Urban Life and Faith and also the Bishop of Hulme, said: "The government isn't telling people who are already deep in debt to stop overextending themselves, but instead is urging us to spend more.

-- "That is morally suspect and morally feeble. It is unfair and irresponsible of the government to put pressure on the public to spend in order to revive the economy."

-- He suggested it was a cynical ploy to improve the economy in time for the next general election.

How can a government work to improve things for the poor, when frankly trying to encourage them back into spending money they do not have. The Labour party is rudderless, without ideas or even ideals, and just steering the good ship Britannia down the road to ruin. As much as I know she is a bigoted old cow, how much do we need Mrs Thatcher back in place!

I hate Oxford St (Happy Xmas)

2008-12-25T12:12:00.001Z

Happy Xmas to one and all.

Xmas shopping can be a nightmare. Shopping in general is difficult and unpleasant, but when you have half a million people in the same place at the same time, each with a look of panic in their eyes, it becomes almost unbearable.

I visited Oxford Street in London twice and it was like a battlefield. But then, I have some sort of shopping phobia. Even when I find what I want I find it difficult to cross the line and actually make the purchase. I end up going to several shops to see the same thing for a similar price, to make my considered decision you understand, before deciding that "I'm too tired", "it's too late, I must head home" and "there's always tomorrow!". Or even "let's go to the pub" (if with someone else).

I needed the "it's Xmas eve", "there is no tomorrow" and "you need to buy this, now" feelings to come to the fore before I could bring myself to part with the cash. I didn't buy anything on O
S in the end (phew for the sanity of John Lewis in Reading).

So, now, I've peeled the Veg, the Turkey's in the fridge with the Champers. All systems go!

The gay Englishman abroad

2008-12-20T09:21:00.001Z

When in Thailand recently, we did manage to visit a gay bar called ManBox.

As I mentioned earlier, the town was fairly empty due to the situation at Bangkok Airport. So, at midnight, the grand show of ten-ish semi-naked young lads -dressing up in Thai costumes that looked a little like they were leftovers from Priscilla, and dancing (well, juggling around would be more accurate. Its not like we were in a London style nightclub here) - was played out to a total of about 8 people. Even that was a good turnout considering the emptiness of the whole place.

Some of the lads spoke to us afterwards, being friendly and curious about how long we were staying, etc. They said that it was normally quite busy. So, here's the real life impact of both the credit crunch and the closure of the main airport. They were quite cute, but not especially so, and with very high HIV and Hepatitis at epidemic levels, even if single (and that type of person) I wouldn't be tempted.

However, the very cute laddie in the hotel (tourist, on holiday with gf) was a very nice sight indeed in the mornings and also on the beach. A straight "10" (see earlier entry on my Cute Lad Rating System) owing to the beach and pool semi-nakedness! How someone could make a singlet look so good almost defies belief. I do hope than my glances(!) at the hotel breakfast weren't too obvious (chin on floor, drooling, eyes in tracker mode). It's amazing how quickly the brain begins to work when there is totty involved - it was working overtime computing the optimal time to go back for more juice, picking the best angle to sit at, all senses on red alert and pointing in the right direction like radar!

In general Thais seem a little prudish. No naked/semi-naked men on the walls, in the mags, or on the TV like you would get somewhere else. Go into any gay bar in Madrid and you'll probably be sitting in front of a 8 foot high screen showing hard core 'entertainment'. Just not in Thailand.

Actually, that suits me just fine. It's a bit crap when you pick up The Pink Paper or similar and find even that has endless naked torsos, willys etc, meaning that it's over sexualised. I mean, you couldn't exactly read even the Gay Times on the train because it is practically pornographic. I don't see why the gay press in the UK need to see how much flesh they can get into the publication (perhaps they wanted to work in the adult sector?). I guess gay life in general is over sexualised. I may be gay, but I wouldn't have willy wallpaper in my house (topless cute laddies on holiday wallpaper maybe..).

Notation

2008-12-19T08:09:00.002Z

The following symbols are used when annotating chess games.

! Good move
!! Brilliant move
? Poor move
?? Blunder
!? Interesting move
?! Dubious move

My chess games tend to be peppered with ? and ?!. Chess is a game where the the winner is the person who makes the second last mistake.

Yet another choir

2008-12-18T19:19:00.000Z

Ok, so it's Xmas. It is the season to be jolly, and all that Jazz. Well, actually, it seems to be the season to put on a woolly hat and head down to Canary Wharf station to sing carols.

I'm sorry, it may be a good cause, but I gave all my change yesterday and the day before. (I did, honest, don't look at me glumly as I walk past and make me feel guilty). Just because I work here doesn't mean I have endless pots of cash. In fact, I give at work too. And I pay tax (isn't that used for good causes, like Nurses salaries?). And I play the lottery (a tax on dreams).

And then there was the carol singers in Waterloo singing Hosanna in Excelsis one more time (ok, it's a nice carol, but I don't know what HiE means!?). And the carol singers in the CW shopping centre were bleating away. And the standard station chuggers (both stations, for DR Congo or Zimbabwe [can somebody with power please do *something* about Z. The lack of action makes me despair], disabled children, other victims, and even poorly pets).

Not forgetting the buskers playing, this morning, a variation of The Beatles using an electric guitar (not bad not bad, but how can you compete with carols for good causes?).

I think I will set up some direct debits and so walk past in the knowledge I am Human.

Blogtypes

2008-12-17T18:44:00.002Z

I read a few blogs on the way to work, downloaded onto my mobile by Viigo. (Are there any better alternatives to this software I wonder?).

Each blog is unique and has it's own style. For example,

what I've been up to (happy), e.g. monty
what I've been up to (naughty), e.g. closeencounters
what I've been up to (witty), e.g. thorouglymoderncolin
plus agony-aunt style advice, e.g. gaybanker

I've enjoyed writing this blog so far and hope to continue. I guess I might fall into the category

what I've been up to (moany, plus some ranting)

but I hope not too much...

Batteries recharged

2008-12-17T18:28:00.000Z

I'm now heading back to work after a holiday in the winter sun. Thailand was lovely. Although, I didn't do much! It was one of those recharge-the-batteries kind of breaks that we need occasionally.

Owing to the recent troubles at Suvarnabhumi Airport (and in the country as a whole), I was a little apprehensive about going and was on the verge of cancelling. However, the airport returned to service just in time and we had no problems.

As we were one of the first to fly through Bangkok, the towns were a little empty when we arrived at our destination. Locals were quite keen to ask where we were from in the hope that the flow of tourists had restarted. The town was filling up as we left so it seems that we were there at the best possible time.

Also, as we were one of the first to go, we were also one of the first to leave. I did enjoy the empty Jumbo Jet on the way home!

So, now, my batteries are recharged and am ready to get back to the bank. I see that some financial guru has managed to fraud 50b in my absence! Wow, surely a new low.

High speed Waterloo

2008-12-04T19:39:00.000Z

I, well, run through Waterloo station sometimes in order to get the train home from work.

What we need are marked lanes (for people who need to go fast in one direction) and areas (for standing watching the board, without the possibility of being knocked etc over by someone in a hurry) mapped out on the floor using the tiles. Isn't is just obvious? Instead, we are left with bedlam with everyone just getting in everyone else's way. The most annoying habit is when people, who were walking, just stop to look up at the board. Oi! I'm behind you, can you please show some tiny consideration for other people (who cannot now avoid bumping into you or someone else!).

Recently we had to endure some totally pathetic attempt at marking the floor at Canary Wharf station (thankfully, attempt now abandoned). The idea was to have yellow lines by the doors on the platform indicating where people waiting should stand in order to give those leaving the train space to get off. Again, its a good idea in principle.

However, the design of the lines was useless. Basically, they left enough room for an African elephant (fully grown) to exit the train and encouraged those waiting to stand about as far away from the door as the Outer Hebrides. If anybody actually stood where directed you would just assume they didn't want to get onto the next train and stand in front of them (with everyone else). Even worse, they didn't try several designs, watch how they worked, and pick the best one - i.e. like any intelligent approach.

Stop ****ing saying sorry

2008-12-04T09:16:00.001Z

- Sorry

An often spoke word. The easiest and yet also the hardest to say.

I get annoyed when people I don't know apologise to me "sorry" when what they actually mean to say is "I didn't mean to nudge your foot on the tube. So, don't get any funny ideas". No, you're not ****ing sorry. I know you didn't mean to do it, it didn't bother me, in fact I hardly noticed until you took my attention away from the paper. You are NOT sorry so don't say so!

- Sorry sorry sorry

The ironic thing is that it is hard to say sorry when you really have done something wrong. Maybe, you're in denial about having done something and saying sorry will acknowledge to you psyche that you DID indeed do that thing that you now wish you hadn't.

My bucket list

2008-12-03T23:27:00.003Z

Here is a bucket list of ten aims that I think has applied to my life for some time:

Find a life partner (Completed 1999)
Obtain a P.hD. (Completed 2006)
5 handicap at golf
Be fit
Own a house
Be a mentor
Fly first class
FIDE Master at chess
Write a book
Learn the piano

(I have 'Be a mentor' instead of 'Be a father' owing to circumstance)

It's a very short list. Although I like nice cars and would like to go into space etc etc they are nice-to-haves rather than real aims. I think I've achieved the two most important, but am not particularly close on any of the others. I've tried to put them in the order of near-completeness.

It's not as if I am super unhealthy but I have not yet achieved 'Be fit'. I think that in order to tick this off I would have to run a half marathon. Well, I'm nowhere near achieving that!

Well, at 30 I had completed one and was nearing on another. I'll let my blog know how I get on (Don't hold your breath!).

30s

2008-12-03T23:21:00.003Z

I was reading an entry on Thoroughly Modern Colin's blog, and came across the following quote:

- There's no greater pressure than getting into your 30s and having failed at everything else. Steve Toltz.

Being thirty-something, I can relate to the sentiment. I turned thirty at a time when I was having difficulty with my P.hD. and I thought I would never finish it. So, rather pleased was I when I did finally bury it.

Bond pricing numbs my brain

2008-12-01T19:16:00.002Z

I work in the murky world of derivatives: Instrument

pricing, P&L and Risk systems. The software and underlying methodologies are just so bewilderingly obtuse that, sometimes, you need a Ph.D. just to begin to understand it. Indeed, I have one of those but still...

So, just how do you price a fixed income instrument like a bond? Well. A bond's price is the PV'd (Present Value) sum of all it's future cashflows. Simple so far! Computing the PV for a sum on each future cashflow date requires a set of discount factors taken from the yield curve (present value = discount factor * future value, where the DF is in the range 0,1) associated with the bond according to it's pricing model. The yield curve is itself constructed with several different types of instrument - cash, forward rate agreements, futures - that are all priced differently and have to be converted to the forward rates.

About at this point I lose the will to live and begin reading my book ("Play the French") on the train.

The lost art of seduction

2008-12-01T09:17:00.002Z

The internet makes for a gay playground. But, isn't it dull?

I started with my OH before it all really kicked off. There was no gaydar or equivalent, and now we have a plethora of sites: gaydar manhunt outeverywhere gay.com fitlads.net cruisinground etc etc. Even sites like yahoo personals, craigslist or gumtree have gay personals.

A paradise? Ok, so I've never used these sites for anything other than curiosity, but to me the whole approach seems to be a bit absurd. The best and worst thing about being single is the chase! Knowing who's on the scene, who's new, who's available, who isn't, etc. It seems to me that gaydar etc has eliminated all this process (cut the chase, get to the sex, now). If you can't meet up with a guy within 20 minutes for sex - you're toast!

The result is that everyone has a lot of sex, but there would be no subtlety and definitely no romance! There is nothing better than seeing the guy you want and, over several months, plotting his seduction.

Fancying Mr Cipriani

2008-12-01T08:42:00.002Z

I'm a grown man. I can fancy who I like and I don't feel ashamed about it. There are not that many (or any) people in the public eye that I like. BBC types seem far too wet and self oriented.

I do have eyes, and like most people, when sore from another day at work they seek out nice sights!

So, I don't like it much when my other half (OH) makes fun of me for liking a certain rugby player. I don't make fun of him for logging onto fitlads.net and having camera fun with young scallys.

Reading the news is a waste of time

2008-11-25T13:37:00.001Z

We only have approximately twenty years of peak physical, mental and financial fitness, so why do we incessantly watch and read the news?

Most newspapers could be written the previous week/year and nobody would really know. Most TV news programs just say the same thing over and over again. Moreover, they frequently try and make the news themselves by setting a daily agenda. They don't report what's happened, rather what some news editor thinks worthy enough to make the headlines.

- Madonna has divorced
- Britney Spears is fat and mad
- Britney Spears is no longer fat and mad
- Another story about American politics (will the media please now get over the US election... that has, from an editors point of view, so happily consumed many many pages?)
- Let's laugh at this man who celebrates Christmas everyday

What happens to today's news tomorrow? It's just forgotten about in the headlong scramble to fill up the next set of blank pages.

Boyfriend qualities

2008-11-25T08:07:00.002Z

I haven't been single for twelve years. Scary! I've had two boyfriends in that time, the current one being for ten years.

I'm undecided whether this means that I have a lot to say about what makes a good bf or not. I don't have any recent experience of judging whether someone is bf material or not. However, I think I've made pretty good judgements in the past.

I think the two most important qualities are

You have to like their looks. Cuddling etc should be nice(!)
You have to be comfortable in their presence and so like spending ordinary time with them.

Sounds obvious. I mean "ordinary time" in the sense that you can go to the pub together and not get bored or be on edge. Everyone can have a good time at the Opera, etc, but for me it's the ordinary time that stacks up over the years.

Eye candy on the tube

2008-11-24T19:49:00.002Z

There is undeniably one good reason to go on the tube: the eye candy. Often you will see cute 8s and dishy 9s and have the excuse to get up close(!).

One thing that is needed, however, is some sort of "shag tag" mechanism. (A shag tag is a numbered tag worn in a nightclub to allow other clubbers to send you a message). Reading the missed connections section of your favourite evening paper doesn't really fit the bill.

I suppose that Bluetooth should be the answer, except that you don't know who the devices listed correspond to. Better would be some mechanism that you could subtlely wear with a number on it. Or, some approach whereby you could leave an appreciative calling card for the person in question to find later.

Self important feminists often suggest that there should be female only carriages on the tube. While I think this is an utterly ridiculous and unfair idea, I think that maybe it should be considered. As long as we can have a male only (i.e. gay) carriage.

Lovely commute

2008-11-24T19:27:00.003Z

I don't wish to moan. But..

Get to Canary Wharf and we have a defective train pull up slowly after ten minutes. Only, they didn't tell us it was a defective train that wouldn't be going onward until we all piled on. There is a dedicated announcer on the platform but they didn't see fit to mention it.
Repeated announcements from upstairs of the sorry-we-are-holding-you-but-the-platform-is-overcrowded type. Yes, I know that! Can you tell me something about the train service?
The train on the east bound platform is now turning around. Bundle! I'm still amazed we didn't crash headon into an eastbound train (knowing the tube staff).
On the tube at London Bridge. Try to move closer to the door but cannot. Spy touristy type people with big bags who clearly haven't grasped the concept that other people might want to get off at some point.
Am forced to barge off the tube at Waterloo. No, I may be English, but I'm not going a few extra stops just because you won't let me past.
Now on the train sat next to a woman with a packet of salt and vinegar crisps unopened on their lap table. So, any second now its going to get opened and it will stink. Argh.

Rail fairs are going up in the new year! Don't you just love commuting!

Cute boy central

2008-11-21T19:11:00.002Z

So just where is the best place for totty?

For a location, it's one of: the gym; a supermarket; or train/train station. You also often get cuties in shopping malls, either in tandem with some smug looking girl or as a shop assistant.

I can't think of a particular place. I can however think of places where you won't find them: gay bars.

Survival in the city

2008-11-20T18:51:00.004Z

A sharp knife was wielded today at the bank where I work. As we experienced our latest round of redundancies. I still have job.

I prefer the no nonsense get-it-all-over-with-on-one-day approach of my current company as opposed to the why-should-we-keep-you/sell-yourself approach of my previous employer. And the three months gardening leave is quite a lot.

If my team were needed to lose some people (we lost two in the last round but none this time) then I would be quite vulnerable, because I'm still fairly new; I'm not that visible yet; and I am less involved with existing systems than new ones. Time will fix all of these points.

I'm still getting used to working in a large company where visibility is an important attribute (as opposed to an IT company, where it could be argued that a lack of visibility means that you are in "the depths"). I have an ideal chance to increase my presence in the next few months as I will be working on something for the trader's MD.

I still have job for now.

Money has failed

2008-11-17T08:38:00.002Z

We must face the truth. Money as a system of managing and sharing our planet's resources does not work and it needs to be scrapped.

Why do some people have billions while most people have nothing? Surely all people should start life with the same amount of life credits. So, there are too many people on the planet, and that's a related issue.

It is clear than money corrupts those in power; the lust for money will cause one man to kill another. Money isn't making our planet a better place. Money isn't working.

Infested planet

2008-11-17T08:16:00.004Z

The planet is infested by Humans. There are too many of us and the total is growing alarmingly quickly. 6 billion today. 10 billion in 50 years. 20 billion in the future sometime.

Why do we need so many people? Why do we need to concrete over every square foot for car parking space, etc. I just wonder if Earth is turning into Giedi Prime, the homeworld of the Harkonnens in Dune. (and if you haven't read that book - it's not a pleasant place).

The number of people needs to be managed to be in proportion to the amount of resources and space available! Just imagine how much nicer the planet would be to live on if, say, the population was limited to 250 million. You might even get a seat on the train.

Eton mess

2008-11-14T18:09:00.003Z

Eton mess is apparently some rather uninspiring cream based English desert.

However, the name "Eton mess" to me sounds like the vision of two floppy haired schoolboys having a snog. One could muse further. Maybe, take two Eton schoolboys, add cream, remove clothes, and you are sure to find a good recipe.

2012 Logo

2008-11-14T17:57:00.004Z

I confess that I love the new 2012 Olympic logo, i.e. the one in Union Jack colours. I think it's pretty cool and imaginative.

It is a funny thing. But, I absolutely hated the logo when it was first made public, i.e. the one in pink. Why did they not release it in the British colours originally!?

The logo does have the shape of the act of fellatio between consenting adults, but that just adds to it's charm.

People on the tube #1

2008-11-13T19:49:00.003Z

I don't wish to sound like a typical gay misogynist, but.. it is a simple truth that some women (ok, I admit that it is a small minority, but they do exist) are pretty bloody annoying on the tube.

Firstly, small women like to hang around at the side of the queues.. (the Jubilee line has doors on the platform so you know where to stand).. and then push in from the side when the train arrives and people are moving. Oi!, you don't have a right to do this just because you are a f*cking woman.

Secondly, when moving onto the tube carriage itself, a woman would typically push past/over/through anyone, even old/pregnant people, to get to a seat. For one measly stop! If you are going one stop, why not let someone else have the seat. Perhaps go and stand next to the door. Doh!

Finally. If a woman has a bob style haircut that sticks out at the back, I always find that I'm stuck behind them..

Cute Lad Rating System

2008-11-12T08:22:00.004Z

I'm sure that most people have their own version of a Cute Lad Rating System (CLRS). Or, I guess, a CGRS if that's your thing. When I see a nice looking lad I tend to enjoy myself by giving them a rating lit of ten.

10 Drop dead gorgeous
9 Very nice looking indeed
8 Nice looking
7 OK/Shaggable
0-6 Not worth rating

I tend to see a lot of 7s and 8s on the way to work, however sometimes you get to see and 8.5 or a 9. One of those crossing your path makes for a pleasant day! That would happen, I guess, once a week.

In recent years I've come to some opinions about the meaning of a 10. I do not think there is much between a 9 and a 10 on the looks front. Rather, for a very cute lad to be rated 10 you have to have one of

See him naked or nearly naked
Know him and his personality (and so know that his is indeed a very nice looking lad with a nice personality to match)
Special circumstance, e.g. England Rugby player Danny Cipriani would fall into this category!

So, just how many 10s are there? Well, apart from my boyfriend (smug grin), not many. The most obvious 10 around at the moment is the very nice Mr Cipriani mentioned above. I've seen some nakedish 9s in the gym that could probably qualify too! (Surely that's the main/best reason to go to the gym?!).

Stopped at a red light

2008-11-11T20:14:00.004Z

Shock! Horror!

Why oh why oh WHY do train and tube staff insist on telling me this crap. I don't care!. There is nothing I can do about it!

I mean. It would be slightly more of interest if they said

- Sorry about not stopping there. We're trying to make up time by going through some red lights

Living history

2008-11-11T20:05:00.001Z

Today is the 11/11 and 90 years since the armistice that ended the Great War.

I was watching the veterans at the cenotaph on the TV earlier today. Four left (one's in Australia). It is shocking to think that these people were actually there. Living history. I guess there are not that many years left before they too have gone.

The world has changed so utterly in the last one hundred years. Imagine living 90 years longer than a close friend. Would you forget their face and mannerisms? Would you still remember the conversations you had with them?

We all grow old. But thankfully not with the memories of having been involved in WW1/2.

Mr President

2008-11-07T19:03:00.002Z

So, he did it. Mr Obama will be the next president of the US (unless he is shot, which I fear isn't entirely unlikely in a land like the US where all the nutters seem to sleep with a gun under their pillow).

I didn't want him to win. I'm not totally convinced that he would have won were he not black.

However, let's now see what he can do. At the very least he can't be worse than the previous incumbent.

America needs a president who can bring back their moral compass, who can be a leader in the struggle against climate change, and can understand the consequences of meddling in World affairs. I think Mr Obama can do that.

The most difficult thing that he will have to do in, say, the first two years, is manage the expectations of his supporters. Some are bound to be dissappointed, just as Mr Blair eventually dissappointed people in the UK.

Talking on the train

2008-10-29T19:16:00.002Z

The train carriage has a big blue sticker on the side proclaiming that this is a Quiet Zone. It always seems that these are in fact the loudest carriages on the bloody train.

Gary has three job offers in IT recruitment - blood sucker - and is proceeding to shout this down the line to all his mates. Just shut up mate. We really couldn't give a stuff. Another phone rings:

- Hello. Hello. See you in ten minutes. My phone battery is low etc etc

Why do we have to listen to this. I mean, you're seeing them in few seconds so is there any need? I applaud c2c who are going to install phone jamming windows in their trains.

Boys in the gym that don't think they are gay

2008-10-22T19:32:00.002+01:00

I sometimes go to the gym at work. Of course the aim is to stay fit and get fitter etc, with the plus side of taking some time away from the desk. I find that a break away from the computer allows me to refocus for the afternoon. Plus hometime is closer.

You get quite a lot of gym buddies in there - pairs of boys who go to the gym together. I guess is the idea is for some banter and extra motivation. I have one pair at work who

arrive together, i.e. wait outside for the other to arrive - not go inside and get on with it
get undressed next to each other talking about blokey stuff. No rush
cycle next to each other for a short time. At this point they are staring into each others eyes
do hardly any exercise
go in the sauna together, where they are talking about football again
finally, change in front of each other stark bollock naked. All the time with blokey chit chat and matey banter

Now that's what I call gay. And they don't even know it. Why don't they just get on with it - or perhaps they do!

And yes, we'd all like a friend or two like that.

Damaged hair

2008-10-22T19:09:00.001+01:00

My shampoo at home is for "damaged hair". If you go to a shop that sells shampoo and, say, they have 100 bottles, you will probably find that only 5 are for those with normal hair. I.e. Hair.

Is "damaged hair" such a serious problem in our society? I look around the tube and I see nobody with smoking or damaged hair that would warrant some special lotion.

Dress sense of gay couples

2008-10-22T08:15:00.002+01:00

When I was younger, I was quite unable to spot a gay person in the crowd. Many times it would be pointed out to me once they were gone.

- Did you are that guy on the tube?
- No. What guy?
- The cute gay one reading Thud...
- Er no
- Oh

But these days my gaydar has improved. I'm still not as good as others who can spot a gay guy from 50 yards, but it's ok.

Gay couples are unbelievably easy to spot, as they are usually wearing the same clothes with minor changes. I get this all the time myself and it is pretty embarrassing, but there's not much that can be done about it. We tend to buy our clothes at the same time in the same shops, as we like the same sort of stuff and only like/have-time-for shopping for clothes when we're on holiday (New York is great). So when we go away/out together we have to check to see that we're not wearing almost exactly the same.

- I'm wearing my Polo top
- Oh. I was going to wear my red one and I haven't packed anything else

You end up wearing two similar-ish tops that are subtly different - labels, colours, etc - but when you go out you just look like a couple. The only antidote to this is to wear work style shirts. Gay couples that fall into this trap are very easy to spot.

If anyone has an alternative antidote then please let me know.

Rules of engagement

2008-10-21T08:17:00.003+01:00

At the beginning of this blog, I should clarify what it is for and what I hope to achieve.

Q) What is the blog for?

A) I would like this blog to become a means of my getting things off my chest. Things will probably start as non personal, but over time I hope that I can gain the confidence to talk about more personal stuff. Sometimes, although I have friends and a long term boyfriend, I feel quite isolated as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about life choices. Being a gay man I tend to keep people at arms length, especially work colleagues.

Q) Who is the blog for?

A) I am writing this blog for myself. Even if nobody reads it, that's fine. The act of blogging is quite formal, and you need to clarify your thoughts and write clearly. This act in itself is therapeutic. I like reading blogs myself (I download them onto my phone using viigo) and I hope this blog will sit ok in the blogosphere. If anyone other than me reads this blog then fine, if not then fine.

Q) Who are you?

A) I would like to remain anonymous. However, if you know me well you will probably recognise some of the mantra. I would like the blog to be sufficiently anonymised so that people that don't know me well will not be able to recognise me. If you are my long term boyfriend, I hope you do not read this. But if you do, so what.

Eye of the storm

2008-10-21T07:49:00.002+01:00

I was in the eye of the financial storm. Watching the share prices go down, the jitters reverberating through the market, from a place in perceived peril. It's ok now. For now.

The news crews were loitering around the wharf, taking cameras into the pubs, loving it. Media this, media that. Did you hear the latest... panic panic... blah blah blah. It doesn't actually help the situation! Nothing like a bad day to sell news.

And now we have a few hundred billion dollar bailout. How does that work? Do the Fed come around with a truckload of brown paper bags? Can I have one then?

I support Arsenal for the totty

2008-10-20T19:30:00.002+01:00

Women moan about page three. I'm not sure why - if these talentless bimbos wish to show the assets for a few quid, why stop them. It's not like they are able to actually do anything but take their clothes off. I guess it's a bit sad that they don't realise that most decent men wouldn't go near them with a bargepole afterwards (for a relationship).

Its a bit awkward sometimes, when you pick up a red top on the train (I wouldn't buy one...) and you have to fold the paper over to avoid seeing the ugly lumpy bits. I don't think this page will last much longer anyway, because most teenagers these days seem to have easy access to much better stuff on the net. (Don't parents realise? You idiots! There is no way I would let any child of mine have a TV/DVD/broadband unsupervised in their bedroom. But that's hypothetical anyway as I don't have and won't have children).

My page three is the back few pages of most papers. Here you will see delightful pictures of mostly cute young men a) in shorts, sometimes with good definition, b) sometimes topless, c) kissing and cuddling each other, etc. It is quite superb. My only suggestion for improvement is that they should do features with some explicit pics, maybe the footballers shagging each other or the page three girl, I don't mind. It would sell papers for sure. I'd even buy two. I'd delay the revolution for a month or two.

And let's not think that they are not at it. They are.

First against the wall

2008-10-20T18:57:00.005+01:00

Who will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes? Let us consider the main options:

Weak celebrities. Some people become famous because they are extraordinary and it is thrust upon them. For example: Picasso; Bacon; Kasparov. Some achieve status and celebrity is a side effect: Thatcher; Branson; Dysen. These people are all admirable. However, some people chase celebrity for itself: Hilton; Beckham (Mrs); Geldof; Morgan. These people should be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
People who work in the media. These are the people responsible for filling our world with mindless crap about the people mooted in point one. You can pick up a copy of Metro or TLP and it is just total drivel, providing the blank canvas. The media are also largely responsible for the severe downturn in the quality of our society, but they have the unbelievable cheek to maintain that they only observe state rather than alter it. It is their reporting in Bridgend that is making that situation, their gossip mongering and total unavowed glee that is deepening the economic downturn, and their reporting of global events like local news that is causing a desensitised society. These people should be first up against the wall when the revolution comes. Moreover, they should feel shame.
Morons in our society who let the people in point two get away with it. If they could (and knowing the British university system they probably can) they would do a degree in Steven Gerrard's nipples. Now, I'm sure they are very nice but surely members of our society do not need to memorise with whom the aforementioned Mr Gerrard swapped shirts with in the Fulham fixture last year (I heard some fans discussing this very point on the train the other evening). These people should be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.

I think all three.

The Graken Awakes

2008-10-20T09:17:00.002+01:00

This blog is intended to capture my private thoughts on life, ranting, observations, reminiscing, dreams, and essentially be an online memory.

Graken is in reference to Kraken.

I am a thirty something gay man living in outer london and commuting into the city through Waterloo each day. I will reveal more about me over time.

The Graken Awakes!